This story was submitted by a nurse who requested anonymity for herself and her hospital, so I changed those details:

“I've worked in our rural Emergency Department at Lakeshore Hospital for 21 years and have seen the results of many stupid ideas, but recently witnessed one I hadn't seen before.

One weekday morning we received a call regarding a single vehicle MVA. An 18-wheeler ran off Interstate 90 and rolled onto its side. The EMTs responded quickly and reported they would need to extricate the driver but it seemed he had no serious injuries. After successfully detaching the driver from his cab, they immobilized him and brought him to the ED.

Since I am now the manager of the ED, I do not have as much patient contact as I have in the past but the presence of this patient was immediately made known to me on entering the department as the smell wafted into my office.

On inspection, I saw an extremely obese redheaded man wearing just a pair of soiled pants. His dirt-encrusted feet protruded from the ragged pant cuffs, his shirtless torso, over-exposed butt crack, and dirty matted hair completed the rugged, devil-may-care, “who me bathe? I don't have one in the semi!” look. I shuddered when I thought of what the inside of that truck must have looked and smelled like.

The firemen and police were smirking and whispering among themselves and you knew they were dying to tell us the story. When I asked what caused him to lose control of the semi they reported: On arrival, they looked in the side window and saw the driver trapped in the cab and wearing no clothing. Scattered in the filthy cab were Polaroid snapshots of the driver's erect genitalia. By now my visuals of the scene caused me such repulsion that I anticipated all of the rescue personnel would be in need of crisis debriefing and possible long-term mental health counseling.

It seemed this over-the-road hauler was bored and horny. While driving down the interstate he must have thought of a solution that would solve all of these concerns with a single intervention. The plan had an intrinsic flaw, and was doomed to failure, as it would be impossible to keep both hands on the steering wheel. (If one hand was on the camera and the other on his penis, who was steering?) Consequently, he lost control and dumped his load.

After it was determined he sustained no injuries, he was busy making phone calls to his employer and speaking to the trooper who was collecting his autograph on an assortment of citations.

A short time later, a gentleman entered the ED and asked about the driver of the truck. He identified himself as a representative from his employer's insurance company. I assumed that he wanted to speak to him about the accident, so I innocently asked, “Oh, would you like to see him?”

He responded quickly, indignantly, and with a horrific expression, “No! I've already seen enough of him!” It seems he was at the accident site before arriving in the ED and had collected evidence to establish the cause of the accident. Our trucker was soon discharged with “bus fare” graciously provided by the insurance adjuster. I'm sure the driver will be looking for employment elsewhere.”

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