Let me preface this by saying that I believe women have the right to limit sexual advances. Nevertheless, it is incumbent upon women (from a pragmatic, if not a legal, standpoint) to exercise good judgment as they permit the level of intimacy to ascend. Most women have enough common sense to know when to say “no.” Other women do not. Here's one who didn't.

Bertha came to the ER alleging that Steve, a guy she'd just met at a resort, attempted to have coitus with her in the resort's parking lot. This really surprised me. To begin with, it was cold that night, way below zero. However, alcohol can dull one's perception of cold, and Bertha had topped off her level of antifreeze in the resort's bar. I do not know how tanked Steve was, but Bertha was almost three times the legal limit of intoxication. Alcohol can, of course, substantially increase libido, or at least give free rein to it. This might explain why Bertha decided to leave her husband in the bar, inviting Steve to her car for some hanky-panky. Perhaps enticed by her Partonesque bosom, Steve readily accepted her amorous offer.

While French-kissing, Steve fondled her enormous breasts. Bertha did not object. In fact, as she later told me, she enjoyed it, and decided to reciprocate the favor by performing fellatio on Steve. This was happening, mind you, about a 30-second walk from Bertha's husband. From this, I concluded that Steve and Bertha had not spent much time listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's talk-radio show.

Apparently thinking that he had been given the carte blanche green light to do as he pleased, Steve hiked her skirt and attempted intercourse. Well-pickled or not, this lady felt that such a gift was reserved for her husband alone. Since she would give a virtual stranger a blowjob in sub-zero weather in a parking lot, this struck me as a quirky truncation of morality.

But mine is not to reason why. Mine is to do an alleged rape exam—one of the least pleasant tasks in my job, made all the more so by the fact that Bertha was certain that Steve hadn't even come close to entering her. I'm not a criminologist, but I am a physician, and I know when evidence is hopelessly obfuscated. Bertha's hands, you see, had made several round trips between her and Steve's genitalia earlier in the night, when they were still friends.

At that point, or perhaps a good 15 minutes before, I was wondering why the heck Bertha was in the ER. Steve did stop after Bertha nixed his plans, so I was wondering what the basis was for her objection. Seeing that I was visibly perplexed, Bertha explained she was miffed that Steve would have the gall to even attempt such a thing. Bertha thought it should have been obvious that she was not that kind of woman. Oh yeah, that was my impression, too.

This one I'll leave for the prosecutor to sort out.

Return to the story list