A police officer brought a driver to the ER to obtain a blood sample after he detected the odor of alcohol on his breath. I would not examine such people unless there was a medical indication, but this fellow called out to me as I was passing by his room. Initially, he was worried about how much alcohol it took to exceed the legal limit of intoxication in this state. After I explained this, he seemed relieved and thanked me. “I suppose I shouldn't have drank that shot of whiskey, but my nerves were frazzled.”

Curious, I asked why.

“It's a long story. Do you have a few minutes?”

The ER was slow at that time. “Sure. Go ahead.”

“I met this Russian girl through the personals section in the newspaper. The first time we spoke I told her to forget it because her English was so poor. She'd only been in the United States for a couple of months, and communicating even simple sentences took a good five or ten minutes before she would understand. A real pain. Anyway, she called me the next week, and I told her again to forget it. A week later she phoned once more, and I hung up on her. I thought, can't she take a hint? Two weeks passed, and she called me. I was feeling guilty about hanging up on her, so I was more patient this time. She wanted to come over to my place, so I said yes. I shouldn't have agreed, because I had a date later on that night with someone else. I figured we'd just visit for a couple of hours, then I'd leave to go on my other date. You still with me, Doc?”

“I'm all ears. Go on.”

“She doesn't know how to drive, so she said her sister would bring her out. She lives with her sister about an hour and a half from my place, so I figured the sister would just stick around and then take her home. When I opened the door and said “hi” I panicked because I saw her sister driving away. I asked her where her sister was going, and she said she assumed her sister was going home. Shit, I thought, even if she turns around the second she gets home and comes back here, I'll still be an hour late for my other date. I panicked.”

“What then?” I asked.

“We came in my house and I started brainstorming about what to do. She called her sister's husband and asked him to have her call as soon as she arrived. He said he wasn't expecting her for some time, because she told him she was going to the mall after dropping her off and he didn't know when she'd be back. That's just great, I thought. I offered to drop her off at a nice restaurant and pay for her meal while she waited for her sister to return, but she told me she didn't like to eat alone. Shit, just my luck! Then I asked if I could take her to a library. She said she didn't like libraries. I thought about that for a second, and then I wondered why I had even asked her that in the first place. I asked if she had any other friends who could pick her up, but she said no. She then admitted that she was planning to stay with me for a few weeks, to see if things would work out between us. A few weeks? Why the heck didn't she tell me that before she came over? Then I really panicked. She suggested going to stay with my neighbors. My neighbors? Oh, wouldn't that make for a juicy scandal? No way, I told her. Then I had a brainstorm!”

“What was that?” I asked.

“Call a cab and have him take her home. I could find only one service that would take her that far, and it cost me a small fortune, but I couldn't think of any other way out of this mess, so I agreed. They said the cab would be there in an hour or so. Whew! Just in time so I wouldn't be too late for the other date. After this was settled, I calmed down. Before that, I was frantic. Now we had an ordinary conversation, or about as ordinary of a conversation as you can have with someone who has been speaking English for just a few months. We did a bit of hugging, and then I noticed something I hadn't noticed before, probably because I was so focused on how I was going to get her home.”

“What did you notice?”

“She was well-endowed. I have no idea of why I said this, because I've never been so forward before, but I asked her if I could see her boobs. She didn't even flinch. The next thing I know, she's taken off her dress and her bra. I couldn't believe she did that, and I couldn't believe how big they were. Huge! Never seen anything like them before, and she was so tiny otherwise. The effect of such a large chest on such a small body captured my attention, and I began playing with her boobs. I considered getting in my hot tub, but I didn't want to be in there when the cab came to pick her up. So we made out on my floor until the doorbell rang, she put her dress on, and I walked her out to the cab. I thought about telling the cabbie to forget it, but I paid him and that was that. My nerves were shot, so I took a slug of whiskey before I left. Next thing I know I see the cop's lights flashing in my mirror. Shit, I should have kept on playing with her boobs.”

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