Whenever the subject of emergency room stories is discussed, one of the first things that people with ER experience discuss is the subject of rectal foreign bodies. I have never had much affinity for this topic, but I've seen a fair number of patients with such a problem. These stories share a number of similarities, so one or two stories on this subject should suffice.

Bart, age 28, seemed embarrassed as he described the events that caused him to seek emergency treatment. “Well, I was at home . . . uh, naked, you know . . . and I sat on a chair. A light bulb was on the chair—but I have no idea how it got there!—and when I sat down, it went inside my butt. It's still there. I couldn't get it out.”

Sure enough, the light bulb (a 60-watt GE, in case you're curious) was still inside his rectum. Unfortunately, the bulb had shattered, which was causing Bart to bleed profusely. We stabilized him in the ER, and he was taken to surgery for removal of the glass and repair of the rectal cuts. It's a good thing that he came to the emergency room, because he otherwise would have died from blood loss.

Here are the similarities, and the one variable:

Gender: I suppose there are a few women out there with—oh, how should I phrase this?—rectal proclivities, but men far outnumber the women.

Age: Typically in the horny years, when libido often exceeds brainpower.

Embarrassment: It's genuine.

Wacky story: Concocted in a futile attempt to deceive the ER doctor into believing that they're a regular Joe. Spare me the embellishment, please. I'm here to treat you, not judge you (scam artists, welfare frauds, and narcotic-seeking junkies excepted).

Fruitless attempt at removal of said foreign body: Hoping to circumvent the ER experience, people often resort to drastic measures of extraction (vacuum cleaners, spaghetti tongs, etc.). My advice? Think of this portion of your anatomy as a one-way valve.

Glaringly apparent lack of common sense: Evidenced by their choice of things that shatter (e.g., glass), splinter (e.g., baseball bats), contain dangerous chemicals (see the next story for an example), or get too hot (ditto).

The variable: Individual preference for the object chosen for insertion. In addition to the ones mentioned above, I've seen people who prefer cucumbers, hot dogs, candles of all sizes, vibrators, and assorted kitchen utensils (e.g., turkey basters)—uh, please don't invite me over for dinner! Yielding to the eternal quest for variety, other folks have corked themselves with an antenna, a broomstick, a flashlight, a test tube, an hourglass, a screwdriver, a shoe, a small glass Christmas tree (yes, it broke), a coat hanger, an assortment of bottles (most surprisingly, a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup), and a jar of Grey Poupon® mustard. (Didn't one of their old ads say, “Grey Poupon? But of course.”?) Another man inserted a lit firecracker, but he had something on his mind besides a little stimulation of the ol' prostate gland.

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