Pet lovers
In treating a patient with venereal disease (VD), it's important to realize that there is usually at least one other patient, since it takes two to tango. Consequently, ER physicians caution the patient to tell their sexual partner to see their physician, or come to the ER for treatment. Years ago, after treating a man for VD, I asked that he bring his sexual partner to the ER so that we could treat her. After I said that, a pained look spread over his face, and he said, “I can't do that.”
For a variety of reasons, people with VD are often reluctant to divulge the name of their sex partner (or partners), so I wasn't surprised by his statement. However, I explained that he would likely contract the disease again unless she were treated, and I once more asked him to have her come in. “She would never come in on her own,” he replied.
That's another objection I often hear. From my experience, people seem less embarrassed if their partner accompanies them when they're seeking treatment. So I once again asked that he bring her in. With increasing exasperation, he exclaimed, “I can't bring her to the ER!”
I asked why. He said, “They won't let her in the hospital.”
Now I was puzzled. I inquired, “What do you mean they won't let her in the hospital?”
“I think there are regulations about bringing her in a hospital!” he responded. Just when I was about to ask for a clarification, he added, “Uh, she's a dog.”
That reminds me of another story in which canine companionship was taken a bit too far. A pregnant woman came into the ER, and appeared genuinely concerned. She'd been having sex with her boyfriend and—when he was away—with his dog. Obviously ignorant of basic genetics, she wanted me to determine who was the father. I could not believe my ears. “Are you serious?” I asked.
“Yes. I don't want to deliver some sort of hybrid . . . yuck! So can you find out who got me pregnant?”
This was easy. “Well, it was not the German Shepherd.”
A 23-year-old woman slowly walked into the ER, and explained that she'd been bitten in her genital area. No rape, she said, just her usual sex. I surmised that her partner accidentally bit her during the peak of his passion, or perhaps when he got carried away for some other reason. Or a seizure? Or . . . ?
When I did the exam, there were—sure enough—labial bite marks (the labia are the lips that surround the vaginal entrance). I told her that human bites can lead to severe infections, so I needed to thoroughly cleanse the wounds and give her antibiotics. As I began to describe how human saliva is teeming with bacteria, she interrupted me.
“Can we skip the antibiotics, then?” she said.
“Why do you ask?” I inquired.
“Well, Doc, I wasn't bitten by a human. My dog bit me.”
“Your dog bit you? How did that happen?”
She blushed, and then she pulled the sheet up over her head. “Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have told you! You're going to think I'm some kind of a pervert!”
Handling this delicate matter in the most sensitive way I knew, she regained her composure and continued her explanation. “Well, after I grill a juicy steak, I rub it . . . uh, down there, you know, and then I let my dog lick me. He's never bitten me before, though.”
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