As the nurse approached me, she had a “you won't believe what I'm about to tell you” look on her face. “Dr. Pezzi, did you ever hear of anyone not being able to speak after an orgasm?”

I thought about it for a couple of seconds, and then said, “Yes, that condition affects a large group of people.”

“It does? Which group?” she asked.

“Men,” I answered.

“No, I'm serious. We just got a call from some guy who said that his girlfriend isn't speaking after she came. You think she had a stroke?”

“I don't know. I've seen one case before. Did he say anything else?”

“He said that she had a prolonged orgasm.”

“Sounds like status orgasmus,” I said.

“Status what?” she asked.

“Status orgasmus. You know what status epilepticus is: a prolonged seizure. Status orgasmus is a prolonged orgasm that lasts 20 to 60 seconds.”

“That wouldn't cause her to not speak, would it?”

“Based upon my limited personal experience, I'd say that it tends to make women rather talkative.”

“Well, when we see the tape we will have a better idea of what's up with her.”

“What tape?” I asked.

“Oh, didn't I tell you? He said that he videotaped their—uh, lovemaking, and he's bringing the tape in.”

“Come on, you're pulling my leg,” I insisted.

“That's what he said. If my husband did that I'd kill him!”

It was even stranger than I had suspected. The patient was the man's ex-girlfriend and current business partner. Their business? Making “amateur” porno films, which they sold on the Internet. To him, videotaping sex was blasé. I reached that conclusion by the nonchalant way in which he told me to look at the screen of his video camera. I felt rather odd looking at such an intimate home video, even if it was intended for interstate commerce. Nonetheless, I dutifully watched.

Ah, the poor nurse. She probably assumed that watching this tape would be a simple clinical exercise. You know, let's just watch the tape and figure out what happened. I suppose she never thought about the fact that she was going to see the man's anatomy in action. It's one thing to watch a porno flick, but it's something entirely different to watch it in the presence of one of the participants. Her face turned crimson red, and she left the room.

But not me. Someone had to do the dirty work.

He hit the stop button. “Well, Doc, that's it. What do you think?”

“She had a seizure,” I said.

“A seizure?”

“Yes. Has she had any seizures in the past?”

“I think she may have a long time ago, when she used to use drugs. Once she stopped using cocaine, the seizures stopped.”

“Has she been using any drugs lately?” I asked.

“Not that I know of,” he answered. “So what are you going to do for her?”

“Since she seems to be coming out of it,” I said as I realized my unfortunate pun, “I'll just see what the tests show, and go from there.”

When I explained to the patient that her test results were fine, she asked, “Did you check me for drugs?”

“Yes, but that's a test we send out to another lab. We won't have the results for a couple of days.”

“I might as well tell you now,” she sighed. “You're going to find cocaine.”

“Have you been using anything else?” the man growled. “I don't want none of that AIDS shit.”

“No, just cocaine. I've been really tired lately, with my college classes and all. Just wanted some pep.”

“Why not just drink coffee?” I suggested.

“Coffee?” she asked as she wrinkled her nose.

“Yes, why not?” I replied.

“I'd never drink the stuff. Coffee is bad for you.”

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