The triage note was succinct: “Wants something to numb back of her throat.” Tough case, I thought. Must have a sore throat. I'll do a throat culture, give her some Xylocaine^®, and she will be happy. At this point, I was relieved to see a patient with a minor problem. I'd just finished taking care of several people who were critically ill, and this would be a pleasant change of pace.

Something didn't add up. People who have a sore throat sufficiently painful for them to request a topical analgesic usually look to be at least mildly uncomfortable, and Erin looked quite chipper. I introduced myself, then sat down.

“Can you give me something to numb the back of my throat?” she sprightly inquired.

I asked, “Is your throat sore?”

“No,” she replied.

“Then why would you want something to numb your throat?”

“It's for my boyfriend,” she explained.

“Well, if your boyfriend has a sore throat, then he will have to come in as a patient.”

“No, his throat isn't sore, either.”

I should have been an engineer after all, I mused. I could be working on things that were logical, things that made sense. This did not. “Well, if your boyfriend's throat isn't sore, then why are you requesting this prescription?”

“You don't understand, Doctor.” Evidently not. “I'm doing this for my boyfriend.”

I was puzzled. “I thought you just said he doesn't have a sore throat.”

“He doesn't! It's not for him to use, it's for me!”

“But you also don't have a sore throat, correct?” I wasn't puzzled, I was mystified.

“As I said, I'm doing this for my boyfriend. I want to numb the back of my throat . . .”

For the first time, she looked uncomfortable. To encourage her to continue, I said, “Yes?”

“. . . so that I won't gag when I swallow his penis!”

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