“Oh, gee, Gladys, stop doing that! Bend over like a lady!”

Maria, one of the ER nurses, was admonishing Gladys, an ER frequent flyer (i.e., a patient who frequently comes to the ER), to be more discreet in how to bend over. Although Gladys was more than pleasingly plump, she wore a miniskirt that was a few sizes too small and, as was obvious, no underwear. Gladys had the habit of finding reasons to bend over, which she would do as if she were touching her toes, thus flashing her genitals to the world. Maria found this both unladylike and revolting, considering that Gladys' rear end was peppered with several small pimples and more blubber than anyone should have to view in public.

“I'm not doing anything,” protested Gladys.

Maria's patience with such behavior had been exhausted by similar performances during prior visits. “Oh yes you are, you're flashing your fat ass.”

“It's not fat. That's why I wear these short skirts, to show it off.”

Maria burst out laughing. “You think that's attractive? You ought to go on a diet!”

“The guys all seem to look at it, so they must like what they're seeing.”

“They're looking at you because it's hanging half the way out of your skirt! A lady does not expose herself in public.”

“You just don't like me ‘cause I'm on welfare.”

“Oh, don't give me that. It has nothing to do with it. I gave a big hug to the last patient I saw who was on welfare. It's not your welfare card, it's your butt, and no one in here enjoys your exhibitions of it. So cover it up!”

“What do you think, Dr. Pezzi? Is my butt too big?”

Dare I be honest? How would that look if she wrote a complaint letter to administration? How could I defend saying that a patient was steatopygic? Time for some gutless finesse. “Gladys, I've never seen anything like it before.”

Gladys broke into a big smile, looked at Maria in an “I told you so” sort of way, and said, “See?”

As we were discussing this later on in the lunchroom, one of the male nurses piped in. “I saw her doing it the last time she was in here. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that she had a tampon sticking half the way out. A little kid saw it and said, ‘Mommy, what is that?' The kid's Mom started screaming at me to do something, so I gave Gladys a gown and told her to put it on, but she would not cooperate. Typical Gladys.”

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