A lady in her mid-twenties called 911 and came to the ER by ambulance, accompanied by her husband. Expecting that she had come in for chest pain, difficulty breathing, or some other potentially serious reason, I immediately went to see her. The conversation didn't exactly conform to what I had in mind.

Dr. Pezzi: Hi, I'm Dr. Pezzi. How may I help you?

Patient: (smiling) I think my vagina is too loose.

Dr. Pezzi: You think your vagina is too loose?

Patient: Well, I'm not sure. My boyfriend can't satisfy me—you know, he can't make me come—and I don't know if it is because my vagina is too loose, or because he's on crack. He's a drug dealer, and he uses the stuff himself, you know.

Dr. Pezzi: (looking at the man sitting mute in the corner) Is this your boyfriend?

Patient: No, that's my husband. I don't have sex with my husband, just my boyfriend.

Dr. Pezzi: (wondering What on earth?) Do you use any drugs?

Patient: No, and I can make myself come when I play with myself. So is it my vagina, or is it that he's on crack? Will you check me and see if it is tight enough?

Dr. Pezzi: Your boyfriend's use of crack may indeed contribute to your problem.

Patient: You gonna check me now?

Dr. Pezzi: No, I'm not. If you had not called for an ambulance, I would have examined you, simply as a courtesy, even though your problem is clearly not an emergency. We have a limited number of ambulances in the county, and an elderly person could be dying from a heart attack at home right now because the ambulance that would have brought them to the hospital was busy transporting you here. Besides, even if I determined that your vagina was loose, it's not as if I would operate on it in the ER.

Patient: (seeming to be genuinely surprised) You wouldn't? Darn, I was hoping I could get it fixed today.

Dr. Pezzi: That's not what we are here for. You'll need to see a gynecologist.

Patient: But I don't want to.

Dr. Pezzi: Why not?

Patient: 'Cause I'll have to pay him, that's why!

Husband: Hey, I'm not payin' for it, either! If I'm not getting it, I sure ain't gonna pay to have it fixed! Your boyfriend can pay the bill!

As Ozzie and Harriet continued their discussion, I excused myself and went to see other patients.

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