Blind date

Being human, one of the last things an ER doctor wants to see is a patient come into the emergency room just before his shift is over. This can mean that the doc may become tied up with that patient and hence not leave on time. Since this often occurs, it would seem prudent for the ER docs not to schedule anything just after their shift—just in case. That's great advice, but routinely blocking out a few hours after each shift would lead to many lost opportunities.

My after-work activities would generally consist of eating, sleeping, and thinking of the true love in my life—snowmobiles. However, today was different. Today I was going on a blind date arranged by a mutual friend. I did not know too much about my date, but from what I knew, I was looking forward to the date, which was scheduled to begin in a half-hour. I'd heard that she had a great sense of humor. After a stressful week in the ER, a fun date was just what I needed.

With about 15 minutes remaining in my shift, the nurse told me that I had a new patient in Room #4. As I walked in to see the patient, I thought to myself, “I hope it's something quick.”

No such luck. This patient had one thing on her mind, and that was talking. On, and on, and on. Having been trained at Wayne State, I was taught that it's best to not interrupt a patient. Working in an ER, though, it's often necessary to temper such an idealistic concept with the pragmatic need to truncate clearly irrelevant material. Unfortunately, everything this patient said was irrelevant. Or, if it was relevant, I did not know how, because I didn't even know why she'd come into the ER. She just kept talking, and I just kept listening—and furtively glancing at my watch.

As 7 o'clock came and went, and with the patient showing no signs of winding down, I excused myself to call my date. I was hoping that she'd not yet left her home, so she would not think I'd intentionally stood her up. The phone rang, but there was no answer. Darn.

No problem, I thought. I will just wind this conversation up, and refer this apparently lonely person to a counselor who could devote many hours to listening. Sure, I would be a bit late for my date, but I hoped she'd understand.

The patient did not want to go to a counselor, she said. She just wanted to talk, and I was the person she wanted to speak with. So she kept on talking, and I kept on listening.

After another 20 minutes or so, I once again excused myself to call my date. No answer. Well, I'd blown the date by now, so I resigned myself to the fact that I might as well enjoy listening to the remaining few chapters in the life history of the loquacious patient in Room #4.

Fifteen minutes later, the patient stopped talking. She said that she'd told me everything she wanted to say, except for one thing: she was my blind date.

I learned two lessons that day. One, always ask for a date's last name. Two, do not go on blind dates on April Fools' Day.

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